Life: ReStarted

This post is inspired by a Twitter exchange I had this morning. The original tweet was deleted, but the exchange leads to the greater fact that so many people are so quick to judge these decisions without educating themselves about the dynamics of domestic violence. If you haven’t lived it, please don’t judge. 

Okay, I get it.

You guys don’t understand Rihanna. You think she’s stupid. And can’t understand why a seemingly rational person would go back to somebody that left her so bloodied and bruised.

Guess what.

I don’t understand either.

Even though I did the same thing over and over and over again.

Once I made the decision it took me almost two years to leave my relationship. I knew I had to leave, but I needed to get all my ducks in a row. During that time I was beaten countless times and I always let him back. And I begged. God, did I beg him. I begged him to change, to think about his girls to know that someday I would leave. I would leave for good. I don’t think he ever believed me. 

Even after the first time he was in the back of a police car. There were no visible injuries so the police were unable to press charges, but boy did they look for visible injuries. He said he was scared straight after that encounter. And he was good for a month. It was shortly after this that I did leave him. Two months after a promotion at work. 

I’m not sure what the motivation is behind Rihanna’s reconciliation. It doesn’t really matter. But we can’t judge her, we can’t abandon her. Because if it happens again, she’ll need support, and if she makes the same decision again she’ll need support. But if she decides to leave one day and looks around and no one is there to support her, guess where she is going to go. Right back into a dangerous situation. 

I know what you all want to say. How can anyone support someone who makes such an obviously bad decision over and over and over again? 

I actually don’t know. 

You’d have to ask my friends. The ones, who once they found out what was going on silently rolled their eyes at me but bit their tongues and told me they would support me no matter what. And they did. I know it killed them on the inside, but what could they do except pray that I one day gain the strength to leave this relationship? 

If they told me I had to leave and offered me ultimatums it would have only made the situation worse. You can’t force someone in an abusive relationship to leave, you can’t tell them that they’ll lose you as a friend. It’s heartbreaking, I’m sure, but someday they will make the right decision and when you get through the hard part there will be good times, celebrations and happiness once again. 

I know I can’t make you guys support Rihanna. I know I can’t make you understand, honestly I don’t either. 

But I will call you out if you slam her or call her stupid or a moron. This is not necessarily her choice. This is her life. We don’t know what the details are, we don’t know why she is making this decision. 

People can hide things. I hid the reality of my life for almost five years. We can convince ourselves of amazing lies. But we don’t know why and we won’t until after the fact what motivated the actions of these two.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty. 

Please, if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.