Filed under: Uncategorized
I got my MacBook back yesterday.
I’ve wanted to write about transparency or living life out loud for awhile now.
I like to live my life as an open book. Pretty much ask me anything and I’ll probably tell you the answer. I have nothing to hide. I don’t spend my life or moments speaking ill of anyone or hiding my internet presence because I have spoken ill of people.
And yet I can’t be transparent on the internet. Ironically, because of the above described people who sit by waiting to twist my words, tear them out of context and try to use them against me. I despise negativity and have no time for people who endlessly put it out into the world.
You only live life once. Make it a good one. Have fun, find the positive and shun the negative.
And so I will continue to live my life for everyone to see. Without spewing venom or arguing meaningless points. There is so much going on in my world right now. Some which promises to break me, some which will liberate me. But I want to blog about none of it. Not because of those that are happiness challenged. But just because I really don’t want to.
I’ve spent this month taking care of an excessively sick Kitten. She’s had the stomach flu, the virus of the moment and two ear infections. You come to some grand conclusions when lying awake at night waiting for the sick child to wake.
My conclusion: I’d rather lay in bed all night long, every night for the rest of my life waiting for my child than to maintain a blog right now.
And perhaps that will change, I’ve learned not to write in stone. Life is flexible and you can only bend to manage the curve balls.
Perhaps I will be back, perhaps not. But I think I’ll hang out with my, now healthy, little leopards for the time being.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have some epic posts to write, but the MacBook is in the shop. I’ll start the drafts on my iPhone but except some magnificence in a week y’all!
Filed under: Uncategorized
Also, I promise this is not becoming a Rihanna blog, but the blog is the story of my life after domestic violence. It’s so misunderstood, I gotta go to bat for one of me 
This post is inspired by a Twitter exchange I had this morning. The original tweet was deleted, but the exchange leads to the greater fact that so many people are so quick to judge these decisions without educating themselves about the dynamics of domestic violence. If you haven’t lived it, please don’t judge.
Okay, I get it.
You guys don’t understand Rihanna. You think she’s stupid. And can’t understand why a seemingly rational person would go back to somebody that left her so bloodied and bruised.
Guess what.
I don’t understand either.
Even though I did the same thing over and over and over again.
Once I made the decision it took me almost two years to leave my relationship. I knew I had to leave, but I needed to get all my ducks in a row. During that time I was beaten countless times and I always let him back. And I begged. God, did I beg him. I begged him to change, to think about his girls to know that someday I would leave. I would leave for good. I don’t think he ever believed me.
Even after the first time he was in the back of a police car. There were no visible injuries so the police were unable to press charges, but boy did they look for visible injuries. He said he was scared straight after that encounter. And he was good for a month. It was shortly after this that I did leave him. Two months after a promotion at work.
I’m not sure what the motivation is behind Rihanna’s reconciliation. It doesn’t really matter. But we can’t judge her, we can’t abandon her. Because if it happens again, she’ll need support, and if she makes the same decision again she’ll need support. But if she decides to leave one day and looks around and no one is there to support her, guess where she is going to go. Right back into a dangerous situation.
I know what you all want to say. How can anyone support someone who makes such an obviously bad decision over and over and over again?
I actually don’t know.
You’d have to ask my friends. The ones, who once they found out what was going on silently rolled their eyes at me but bit their tongues and told me they would support me no matter what. And they did. I know it killed them on the inside, but what could they do except pray that I one day gain the strength to leave this relationship?
If they told me I had to leave and offered me ultimatums it would have only made the situation worse. You can’t force someone in an abusive relationship to leave, you can’t tell them that they’ll lose you as a friend. It’s heartbreaking, I’m sure, but someday they will make the right decision and when you get through the hard part there will be good times, celebrations and happiness once again.
I know I can’t make you guys support Rihanna. I know I can’t make you understand, honestly I don’t either.
But I will call you out if you slam her or call her stupid or a moron. This is not necessarily her choice. This is her life. We don’t know what the details are, we don’t know why she is making this decision.
People can hide things. I hid the reality of my life for almost five years. We can convince ourselves of amazing lies. But we don’t know why and we won’t until after the fact what motivated the actions of these two.
Hindsight is twenty-twenty.
Please, if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.
Filed under: the deep stuff
The following is a press release from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). Exactly my thoughts, but better than I could ever say it.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:
Rita Smith
Executive Director National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
1120 Lincoln St., Ste 1603
Denver, CO 80203
(303) 839-1852
www.ncadv.org
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Stands With Rihanna:
“She is not responsible for the violence perpetrated against her.”
Washington, DC — When singer Chris Brown reportedly assaulted his girlfriend, fellow singer Rihanna, following an argument on Sunday, February 8th, there was an immediate public outcry of support for Rihanna.
Visibly battered and bruised, Rihanna has joined the ranks of millions of women, becoming part of a horrifying statistic of 1 in 4 women who will be beaten by their intimate partners during their lifetimes.
By Wednesday, February 11th, however, the tune had changed. With new information alleging that Rihanna had begun the argument herself, public support began to waver. Some implied, and others firmly stated, that because Rihanna may have started the argument, she deserved the subsequent abuse she suffered. Now as stories circulate about the couple’s reunion, support for Rihanna seems to be waning even more.
This is unacceptable.
The idea that someone “deserves” to be beaten is intolerable and appalling. Choosing to use violence in response to conflict—and we emphasize that violence is a choice—is the sole responsibility of the abuser. Regardless of the circumstances or other factors of the situation, violence and abuse is never an acceptable response. Rihanna, or any other victim of violence, is not responsible for the violence perpetrated against them, plain and simple.
Rihanna’s rumored reunion with Chris Brown does not in any way mean she “wants to be abused.” Reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive relationship are more complex than a statement about the victim’s strength of character. For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is one of the most difficult we will ever make. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. Also, it is extremely common for battered women to return to their abuser multiple times before she leaves for good. Gaining strength, relinquishing hope, or letting go of someone we love is very hard and takes time even when violence is not present. Supporting victims of domestic violence in their process and understanding the dynamics of domestic violence is vital to their success and survival. To learn more about domestic violence, please visit these links:
Domestic Violence Facts: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf or www.ncadv.org Why Doesn’t She Just Leave? http://www.ncadv.org/files/Why%20Doesnt%20She%20Leave.doc
Men and Domestic Violence: www.acalltomen.org
We hope that Rihanna finds the resources she needs to heal and regain her sense of security and self and encourage everyone to support her in her process. We also hope that Chris Brown is held accountable for his actions and receives support to learn alternatives to violence as a way to deal with conflict in his life. The mission of NCADV is to organize for collective power by advancing transformative work, thinking, and leadership of communities and individuals working to end the violence in our lives. NCADV believes violence against women and children results from force or threat to achieve and maintain control in intimate relationships as well as from societal abuse of power and domination via sexism, racism, homophobia, classism, anti-Semitism, able-bodyism, ageism, and other oppressions. NCADV recognizes that abuse of power in society can foster battering by perpetuating conditions that condone violence against women and children. To learn more about NCADV, please visit www.ncadv.org.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Source: www.ncadv.org The Body Shop and NCADV: It’s Been a Wonderful Six Years The Body Shop Concludes its Stop Violence in the Home Campaign Purchase Products Benefiting NCADV Through July of 2009!
Well, I am a little behind on blogging.
Cause my birthday rocked.
And also seriously kicked my butt.
For the past few days I have been sitting in the slow Starbucks at MOA blogging and catching up on all things on the interwebs during my lunch break.
I wish I had discovered this earlier.
After hating U2’s last album. I like “No Line On the Horizon”
Actually, scratch that their last album was a greatest hits thing. I never have opinions on those. It was the one before that. Gawd. I can’t even think of the name.
Anyways.
I turned 29 this year.
At least I think I did. Having a birthday on leap year has always confused me. I’m still not sure how I can turn another year older if my birthday is not on the calendar.
However. Twenty-nine years have passed since the momentous arrival of myself.
My 28th year has been, umm, interesting. To say the least.
I’m not a person to rank things.
I don’t rank my friends. It is actually one of the reasons I just recently deleted my MySpace page. I hate ranks. Whose to say someone is your top friend and how do you differentiate between 2,3, and 4? All very confusing.
MySpace, however, has played a very important, dare I say, pivotal role in my life this year.
I’ll give it that.
A conversation I had sometime this year was about how the 28th year was one of the most important of a woman’s life.
I’m not really sure I believe that.
But during this year of my life things did come together for me. And that is what the conversation was about.
Back to not ranking things. This last year has been THE most interesting of my life. July the most interesting month.
I think this year is too fresh for me to rehash and tell one how it has changed me as a person.
I know it has, but I’m too close to it. I’m sure I have changed in some very fundamental ways. I know the way I think about things has changed. I know what changes I hope have happened and in a few years I will be see what they are.
But what this past year has done is put me on a clear life track to what I want and need. I have never been more sure of what I want from life than I am now.
And whether or not the plans I have in store for my life, my daughter’s life stays the same or changes I know I can adapt to these changes.
Life is exciting for me right now. More exciting than it has ever been.
——
Later in the year I was reading an article on fashion and designing for a woman. It was about how Ann Taylor is always so classic, yet contemporary.
Their head designer dresses the 35 year old woman. Why? Because that is when a woman has it most together. They have what they want or at least know what they want. It is the prime of a woman’s life.
I’m pretty sure I won’t be wearing Ann Taylor clothes when I’m 35 or hopefully ever.
I am way too in love with my jeans.
But that is really not that point. It got me thinking what my life will be like when I am 35.
Cub will be a teenager.
Kitten will be acting like one (cause she has to do everything her sister does).
I don’t know what I will be doing exactly. I don’t want to make solid plans or set hard core life goals.
But I know I will have had time to grow into my new self. I can’t imagine anything less than being ridiculously self-assured, more level headed (because let’s face it, that can only go so far!) and even happier than I am now.
Reading that article wasn’t about feeling the need to make plans. Which in the past would have been that reaction it would have gotten out of me. No, this time it was about looking forward to life after 30. That there really is something greater on the other side.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, don’t really want to know and not really sure I care.
Mostly, I can’t wait to grow into my new self.
And try to survive my babies growing up (they still haven’t gotten the “stay babies forever” memo)!
Filed under: Uncategorized
I haven’t forgotten about this blog.
I’m actually working on an EPIC blog post.
EPIC.
Well, to write at least.
I’m not sure if it says anything though.
We’ll see.
Check back in the next couple of days.
Until then
Filed under: Uncategorized
My little leopards fell in love last year.
With California.
And so did I.
Actually, I was taken long before that.
I’m not sure what it is.
There is something so endless about this state.
Unlike in Minnesota, where it’s cold and cold and then freezing. Life seems so finite. So filled with density.
So landlocked.
There is something in air. And looking out at the ocean…life seems limitless.
Last year, their first vacation here (Kitten’s second, but she was three weeks old!) it was decided that we would visit this state as often as possible.
We had already decided to visit San Francisco this year.
And in the middle of it all, my brother found me after 24 years.
And I have this huge family out here.
It makes coming out here feel like coming home.
Because this is where I’m from, who I am.
Apparently, it’s in the genes, because it’s who the girls are as well.
I can’t wait to bring them back this summer.
And watch them fall in love with this state all over again.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I made some really hard decisions tonight.
I narrowed the cameras down.
It was excruciating.
The list:
Nikon D80. I just replaced my D40 with this one. I am in love. I added the 50mm f/1.8d lens to it. Now I really don’t want to take anything else. But just in case I’m bringing the 55-200mm lens and a wide angle filter. Leaving the strobe at home. I’m pretty sure I won’t need it because the 50mm is such a fast lens and works well in low light situations. It better since it’s supposed to rain the whole time I’m in San Francisco.
Holga. Have I talked about my Holga love? My plastic fantastic? I’ve wanted this camera for years, but the whole medium format thing kind of kept me away from it. And I was so into digital photography it really didn’t matter. I broke down and bought one this fall after reading The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond. It takes place in San Francisco and the Holga is kind of important for part of the book. So I feel like it would be a complete disservice to not bring the Holga. The book by the way, was predictable and not that great, but it gets fabulous reviews.
My little digital point and shoot. Finally replaced the one that was lost. Hopefully I won’t forget it otherwise I’ll have to teach the big brother how to use one of the above cameras. Both are quite easy, but I don’t want to challenge him too much!
Now I just have to remember to bring chargers, memory cards, card reader or computer cord and my phone. Probably shouldn’t forget my phone!
Also, I’m mostly packed. Yep. You read that right. I was folding laundry tonight and pulled the items I’m bringing. Now I just have to pack the girls for their weekend away. That will actually be more difficult.
Oh, and I have to stay on top of laundry, keep the house clean, pair up socks (can’t I just buy new ones instead?) remember to show up to work, coordinate Cub’s appointments for the week and make a couple of more.
And apparently, I’m supposed to get lots of sleep and drink lots of fluids. Big brother’s orders? What part of being a single mom does he not understand?
“Being awesome 24 hours a day on no sleep.”
Yeah, I may be getting old…but that doesn’t change how awesome I am!
